How to Handle Aggression in Autistic Toddlers

You are fully aware that size does not matter if you’re a toddler parent. These tiny humans can have more spice, sass, flare, and, sadly, aggression than most adults. Toddlers can give the sweetest cuddles one minute, do a total 180, and give out the loudest scream the next!

Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing my kid’s personalities come out during their toddler years, but it wasn’t always a walk in the park. 

Toddlers are at the stage of development where their minds are learning new ways of communicating with the world, but it can be frustrating for them at times. 

For example, a toddler with autism may already struggle to express themselves. In turn, many situations can lead them to use aggressive behaviors, like hitting and throwing temper tantrums, to communicate. 

Sadly, these tiny humans can direct aggressive behavior towards themselves and others, including parents, siblings, and friends. As a parent, it’s not an easy situation to deal with or see.

So, when these aggressive behaviors come, and boy do they come, how can you handle it? How can you overcome it? Better yet, what can you do to encourage good behavior?

We all have unique circumstances and kids with different personalities. Still, through years of trial and error, a few basic rules have helped me handle and overcome aggression in autistic toddlers. 

Behavior Modification Plans

Our children’s behavior starts with us. Understand that it will be hard at times, but consistency is key. Make a plan and stick with it. 

Overcoming aggression from your autistic toddler requires preparation and commitment from the whole family. I’ve even had members in my house sign contracts, so I know they are fully committed to this! It might get loud, it might get raw, but in the end, everyone will benefit.

Over the years, I have written up many personalized Behavior Modification Plans. But, of course, the first step to improving behavior is always understanding your child. Thankfully, you already know your toddler better than anyone else. You are fully aware of their likes, dislikes, what bothers them, what scares them, what agitates them, and so on. This basis will equip you with knowing the best way to help them.

Behavioral Modification plans involve a few different parts; let’s get into the details.

Undesirable Behaviors 

Undesirable behaviors are any behavior that becomes a problem. They tend to trigger aggression and other negative behaviors. 

I’m going to ask you now to get out your pen and paper (or open a notetaking app) and make a couple of lists. With your child in mind, make a list of their undesirable behaviors. If you have more than one child you want to create a plan for, then make one list for each child.

I made a personal example with one of my kids in mind:

1. Bedwetting
2. Taking hours to get ready for school
3. Bedtime issues
4. Picky eating
5. Grooming, showering, toothbrushing
6. Negative behaviors at school

Remember, these are negative behaviors that are currently an issue for one specific child. Of course, we aren’t going to tackle them all overnight, but now we have a basis.

Desirable reinforcements

Desirable reinforcements are also personal to a specific child. These involve anything your toddler likes and are used as a reward system. 

With your toddler in mind, make another list now of desirable reinforcements that appeal to them.

Here’s my list of desirable reinforcements with the same child in mind:

1. Night light on while going to sleep
2. Hershey kisses
3. iPad time
4. Treat from the treasure box
5. Movie night with popcorn and soda

We have different rewards or treats to turn to when we want to reinforce positive behavior. Maybe you have heard the saying, “A punishment must match the crime.” Obviously, we are not dealing with criminals, but the principle stays the same. 

We don’t want to go above and beyond on discipline for small things. But the same is true vice versa. I’ll give you an example. 

The worst bad behavior of them all to me is biting and scratching. So these behaviors must have the harshest consequences of all. For example, no TV or games. The reason why I call them the harshest is because everyone in the household is affected by them. 

If one child is unhappy, the behaviors will disrupt everyone until bedtime. So in a way, the child with the bad behavior wants to make sure that if they aren’t having fun, no one else is either. 

Flat Rules

Whether you consciously know it or not, all families have a set of Flat Rules, rules that all members in the house know and are expected to follow. Of course, they change a bit from family to family, but it might include some of these examples:

• Eating is only allowed at the table, not in bedrooms or the car.
• No jumping on the furniture.
• Wash your hands before coming to the table.
• Put your shoes away when you get inside.

Hopefully, you were thinking about your own Flat Rules while reading the example list. So take a moment to jot down a new list of your family’s current Flat Rules.

These are important because they never change. Kids can receive reminders of these rules, but they always depend on the consistency of these basic Flat Rules. 

New Rules

Now, the most important rule of them all. Don’t make up new rules as you go along! 

Let me show you an example. Your toddler hits their sibling for the first time, so, naturally, you say, “Don’t hit your sister! Now you can’t use your iPad today!”

You might be thinking, “Um, ok? That seems like a logical way to respond to bad behavior,” and you’re right! There seems to be nothing wrong with this form of discipline. But, consider this. As humans, we don’t work that way. We need to know the rule and the consequence straight off the bat. 

Even God gave Adam and Eve rules AND let them know the consequences of going against that rule before they ever did anything wrong. 

So, make a rule and let them know the discipline. Suppose you want to create a new rule. You have to let the first offense go and then make it a rule for next time. Of course, this process takes communication between you and your toddler.

Yes Means Yes, No Means No

Make your yes mean yes and your no, no, no matter how tired you are. 

Yes, means yes. If your toddler earned the reward of going to the park for good behavior, but you are exhausted after a full day of being Super Mom, grab yourself a coffee and go to the park. Follow through! If you don’t want to commit to the park, then make a new reward for next time, one that’s easy for you to follow through with. 

No means no. If you already told your child no, stay strong and keep it a no. By giving in once, they know that if they pester and bug you enough next time, you will give in. 

You Can Do It! 

Now you have the basics of your plan. Each week focus on a new behavior to tackle. Until then, I need you to master the following:

1. Understand your child
2. Make a list of all undesirable behaviors (and I mean ALL of them, down to being afraid of the dark)
3. Make a list of desirable reinforcements
4. Make your Flat Rules known 
5. Don’t make up new rules on the fly
6. Make your yes mean yes and no, no

Once you have these basics down, you are ready to start dealing with specific bad behaviors on your toddler’s list. Whether it’s a long or short list, don’t get ahead of yourself or overwhelmed with the work in front of you. Instead, take it one behavior at a time. 

FYI. If bedwetting is on your toddler’s undesirable behavior list, I always tackle bedwetting as the last undesirable behavior, only because emotions and/or medications could be causing it. 

Don’t Be Ashamed to Ask For Help

Keep in mind that these notes are a general outline of dealing with aggression in autistic toddlers. It’s hard to write a complete guide since each child and family is different. In any case, let me know if you are actively dealing with a specific type of aggression from your toddler or child with autism and need help! 

We often share the same battles, but we all have unique experiences and challenges. Join our #Autismarmy on Facebook and let us know how you have tackled aggression in autism, or leave a comment here on our blog.